You Are Not Your Mother
Karen C.L. Anderson
1h30min45
- Santé et bien-être
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121 pages. Temps de lecture estimé 1h31min.
Release the Generational Trauma of Shame“Karen is the wise voice you want whispering in your ear when shame knocks on your door, reminding you that you are so much more than your relationship with your mother.” —Maggie Reyes, master certified marriage coach & bestselling author of The Questions for Couples Journal#1 New Release in Adult Children of Alcoholics and Parent & Adult Child RelationshipsWhat is your relationship to shame? How can you overcome it and live an intentional life of vulnerability? You Are Not Your Mother guides readers on how to see shame, and live separately from it. Shift away from shame and turn to radical forgiveness. Grow your internal self acceptance and resilience with this guide for women. Packed with meditative prompts to help you explore your relationship to shame. You are Not Your Mother caters to your inner desires to be seen, heard, and known. The toxic generational trauma and unhealthy relationships stop with you!Explore your personal roots to shame with an expert. As a top authority on recovering from growing up in toxic families, Karen C.L. Anderson walks you through her shame story, her relationship with her narcissistic mother, and the simple practices she has developed to alleviate guilt from unhealthy relationships. Author of bestselling Difficult Mothers, Adult Daughters with over 150,000 copies sold, Karen offers tools to process, understand and move beyond childhood trauma so you can not only survive, but thrive.Inside, you’ll find:Karen’s story on dealing with a narcissistic mother and how she overcame her shameJournal prompts, mind-body practices, and simple exercises to release shame and toxic habitsA guide on how to finally identify shame, and how to embrace living free from itIf you enjoy therapy books and content on emotion management, then this book is for you! If you liked I’m Glad My Mom Died, Mother Hunger, or Uprooting Shame And Guilt, you’ll love You Are Not Your Mother.Shame Is Like an Appendix
There may, at one time in the very distant past, have been a healthy reason or “positive” purpose for humans to experience shame.
The same can be said for an appendix.
According to evolutionary biologists, at one time humans needed an appendix to digest food. It is no longer needed for that purpose. And yet humans are still born with an appendix—an organ that can make them sick and maybe even kill them. That is why they are often removed. At some point the human body will evolve to the point where it doesn’t have an appendix.
According to evolutionary psychologists, shame evolved to serve a function of social defense, similar to the way pain protects us from things that hurt us physically. We are born with shame “hardwired” into our physiology. It is no longer needed for that purpose, And yet we still experience it. And it can make us sick, and in some cases, kill us.
In other words, there is no longer such a thing as “healthy” shame.
There are people who believe shame is “needed” in order to be “good.” That’s what guilt is for.
Shame = I am bad. Irredeemably bad. There’s no coming back from this.
Guilt = I did something that is out of alignment with my values or my own moral code, and now I will course-correct.
There is never, ever, ever a good or healthy reason to believe you are bad.
Yet if you do believe it, it’s not your fault. Most of us think shame is reserved for when you do something truly terrible and you feel like a bad person.
But here’s the thing: Most of us have grown up learning that there is a right way and a wrong way to do everything, and if you choose the wrong way, you’ve made a bad choice or decision, and that means you’re a bad person.
What’s actually true is that most decisions and choices in life are morally neutral.
You don’t need shame to keep you in line.
Shame won’t hold you accountable.
Shame won’t “rehabilitate” you.
Shame isn’t what keeps you in integrity.
Connection to yourself and what you value does that.
Empathy and self-accountability do that.
You don’t need shame.
Your will never shame yourself to goodness or wholeness.
If ever there was a hill to die on, it’s this one. Besides…
“I’d rather be whole than good.”
—Carl Jung
***
I Will Not Be Quiet
After years of estrangement, my mother sends me a letter in the mail asking what I am going to do to “rectify the situation.”
We go back and forth a couple of times, and then she tells me all the things I have done wrong…all the things that she is ashamed of me for.
I imagine her donning her metaphorical sparring gloves, bobbing and weaving, waiting for me to hit back.
Which is what I did for years.
Instead, I tell her I am confused and that I am not sure what she wants.
She tells me she wants to rehash the past ten years, that she’ll send me some articles that may enlighten me, that she doesn’t want to lose me, and that she wants to know what caused me to cut her out of my life.
This response has a whole different energy to it, but it’s familiar to me: First abuse me, then act all lovey-dovey.
I tell her my confusion is due to her:
saying that she wants me to rectify the situation
telling me all the things I have done that she doesn’t like or is ashamed of
She’s ashamed that I blog about my struggles with my weight.
She’s ashamed that I wrote an article for a magazine about how to get a proper bra fitting and used photos of myself in a poorly fitting bra and a bra that fits well. Even though you can’t see my face.
I ask her, “In order for me to rectify the situation, do you want me to be ashamed too? Do you want me to apologize for being who I am? I am not ashamed of myself. I am proud of myself.”
I tell her to check out Brené Brown.
I tell her vulnerability is not shameful, it is the antidote to shame.
I tell her shame separates and isolates.
I tell her vulnerability connects and that if there’s anything that this world needs more of, it’s connection and compassion.
What I still haven’t realized is that she’s not into kindness and compassion.
I tell her that I am not responsible for her feelings.
I tell her that she if she wants to feel ashamed of me, then she gets to feel shame.
I tell her that she could also choose to be proud of me, and then she’d get to feel pride.
I tell her that she can choose to love me, and then she’d get to feel love.
I tell her that I am not sure if rehashing the past ten years will get us to where we want to be, but that I can’t speak for her.
I ask her what she wants our relationship to look like and how she wants to feel.
I tell her I have nothing left to lose at this point.
She goes silent.
But I…I will not be quiet. I refuse to be quiet.
